The Ultimate Food

After seven years (with the occasional multi-month break in there) of working at Subway, I’ve come up with some pretty creative stuff. Yesterday I tried something radical, even for me, and it exceeded expectations, but I decided to refine it slightly today and managed to achieve transcending deliciousness. I have come up with the recipe for The Ultimate Food, with both American/Carnivore and Indian/Vegetarian variants:

The Ultimate Food (Meat Eater Version)

1) Place flatbread onto a deli paper sheet. Pour at least two ladle-fuls of marinara sauce onto it.

2) Place a tray of Philly cheesesteak (minus cheese, but we’ll get to that) into the microwave. Set it to a low setting or short time: you don’t want it too hot yet. Substitute a chicken patty or something else if you’re being cheap.

3) When the steak is done, put it on the flat bread. Sprinkle a few red onion slices over the steak.
4) Take a Cool Ranch Doritos packet, open it and dump the Doritos on top of the steak.

5) Pour one or two more ladle-fuls of marinara sauce, sprinkle green peppers and olives, and sprinkle cheddar and mozzarella cheese, all on top of the Doritos.

6) Top off with Chipotle Southwest, Ranch, and Buffalo sauce, in a cris-crossing pattern.

7) Stick it in a Subway Toaster on the 6″ Patty setting. The outlying Doritos should be slightly crisp and the cheese and sauces melted throughout the whole concoction.

8) Serve with drink of choice (beer or wine if you’re super-super lucky/careful, unsweetened iced tea if the store has it, or just soda).

The Ultimate Food (vegetarian version)

As the meat eater version, but substitute veggie patty for cheese steak, and substitute (or add) yellow peppers and jalapenos for the olives and green peppers.

Now if you think I’m being arrogant to label this as the “Ultimate Food” of every food there has ever been so far, think of it this way: I have successfully combined nachos with cheesesteak. It’s technically just a Cheesesteak Flatbread Meal Deal prepared in a very esoteric way, which means it’s feasible to actually order it at a Subway, except they won’t be able to wrap it.

Beware of adding bacon to The Ultimate Food. Current string theory hypothesises that adding the Ultimate Ingredient to what is already the Ultimate Food will collapse the concoction, the Subway store, and everything in a five-mile-radius into a 9th dimensional hyper-tunnel leading to another universe. Also: bacon is extra.

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