Digital Drugs

Some time ago, I think in the 1980s, I beleive the drug cartels met up with the Japanese Triads to figure out a way to digitise illegal substances and feed it to public in visual form. In recent years, they have refined the process, resulting in games such as La Pucelle Tactics.

Kids, Just Say No to La Pucelle Tactics. Play it once and your free time will be slain like a puny Bit before Prier’s mighty Deliverance double-kick. I thought Final Fantasy Tactics Advance was addicting, but I hadn’t yet experienced the true masters at work.

If you’ve ever played Pokemon or Tamagatchi, imagine the best parts of those games surgically removed and grafted onto a standard isometric tactics game(or Advance Wars if you’ve never played an Ogre Battle or an FFT). Then imagine the regular fighting resolution cut off and replaced by something similar to Valkyrie Profile. Then imagine a serious amount of Slayers style character design and humor injected into the plot. Then imagine the whole thing being given the most efficient and easy to use user interface of any tactics game ever.

Another way to imagine it is thus: You see some Triceratops in a feild. Woah! That’s cool! Dinosaurs! They’re going around, grazing peacefully. You could watch them for hours. Dinosaurs! But THEN a Tyrannosaurus Rex attacks! The Triceratops fight back, but they’re made for eating grass and the T Rex is made for eating Triceratops. The old tactics games are the Triceratops. La Pucelle Tactics is the Rex.

(Fair Warning: La Pucelle Tactics does contain a few mild innuendos and risque bits. But anyone who’s got the patience for tactics games is probably mature enough to handle it. Anyone who doesn’t, probably wouldn’t get it anyway.)

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